Refuge of this beach is where I
always run to whenever I want to think! Sitting on this outgrown rock which has
encroached ocean’s territory elevates my thoughts from daily hassles. Between
the protest of wild waves hitting the encroached rock and sound of continuously
blowing heavy wind, I always find the peace and silence to think!
My brother is very close friend of mine from my
childhood. We studied, played and fought together till our high school. I was
chasing my dreams and landed up in city and my brother stayed back and has his
own shop which is doing well. His father was victim of a kind of fever which
took many lives many years back. My father was the one who looked after the entire
joint family with his faith in soil and his ingenuous view about life.
Literature was something connected
me and my brother and made us come out of orthodox and reserved mentality of
the village. We were more open to the changes and always felt good about our
thoughts which we thought are way above the society we are part of. Our Kannada
teacher in high school was the one who showed us the taste of literature and
made us think about bringing change. A year back my brother told me that he is
in love with a girl and I was surprised when that girl turned out to be our
Kannada teacher’s daughter!
My respect towards our teacher
increased when he agreed immediately to his daughter’s choice, ignoring the
caste and class differences. He was practicing what he was preaching. He was
not laying new rules when it came to his own daughter. Convincing my father who
was the head of the family was not very difficult. There were very few hurdles to
cross for my brother to convert Love into Marriage.
Ten days were left for the
wedding. Entire family was in joyful mood preparing for the wedding day. My
father’s death in a road accident smashed us like a thunder storm. I was
shocked by the situation I was in. I was not strong enough to withstand the sudden
loss… I had no courage to look at my mother’s and younger sister’s face…
consoling my mother and sister was my duty, but was just impossible for me to
fulfill it. I was not able to digest the fact that, the life I spoke that day
morning was no more by afternoon… How permanent this life is? How to have faith
in tomorrow? Man’s greediness… Man’s concern about future … Man’s nature of
pledging today for the sake of tomorrow... does all these have any meaning? No
other thing which haunts Man as badly as death. It is a strange end with no
future. I can’t think any more about the death… Sun has finished his daily duty
and going to lighten up another world… saying good bye with vibrant colors
everywhere…
Three-four days after the
incident, slowly things were settling down. My brother took the entire
responsibility of the family and helped family members to come out of the trauma.
He arranged for all the rituals to be carried out after death. I was blank when
my brother announced, wedding will be held as per the plan. It was hot summer
evening… Entire surrounding was stand still without even a small breeze... All
of us were sitting in sit out to beat the sweaty suffocation inside the home.
He was explaining to everybody about what bride’s father said and how he agrees
with his to be father in law. All that I understood was… Bride’s father told my
brother… He doesn't believe in the rituals performed after the death… There is
no meaning in religious restriction we follow for twelve days… He doesn't agree
to the prohibition of any functions like wedding during this restrictive
period… Wedding will happen as per the schedule… He is against the blind faiths
followed after the death.
Next day my mother called me to
her room and told, herself and my sister will not be part of this wedding if at
all it happens as per the schedule. My aunt was scared to face the people’s
reaction for such a step but never had guts to oppose his own son or she was
biased by mother’s love towards her son. My grandmother was in her deep sorrow
of having no son left for her. She told “My time of attending any wedding is
over, I am waiting for death to embrace me before anybody else”. My brother was
completely convinced by the idea of going against the natural sequence of the
society. I was the only person who was confused.
I always had confused thoughts. I
never have a strong stance to go against the stream. I am not complete atheist.
I always believed there is a power which is greater than human. We can call it
as ‘God’, ‘Nature’ or with whatever name we want. If man says he can explain
everything scientifically, logically and intellectually; it is just his ego. There
is always something eternal and not available for normal man’s reach. I don’t
believe in rituals and I am against the money making business in the name of
God. I don’t visit temples with my own will. I stumble to answer if somebody
asks me ‘should all temples be closed?’ These temples are not just part of the
religion, they are also part of the people’s life. I hate the class and caste
based system we have… But love the tradition we carry… My thoughts are running
all over the places… Waves are hitting the rock I am sitting on with different
intensity, creating different complex patterns once they subside…
Is this demand from our teacher
is a tactic to show case the village that how strong his revolutionary thoughts
are or genuinely he thinks religious restrictions we follow are blind faiths?
Doesn't death mean anything to the rest of the family? Is death of a close
family member just one other event? The restriction we have in the name of
religious ritual doesn't have an intention to give time to family members to
come out of the grief caused by death? Would he react in the same manner if death
would have occurred in his own family? Even if he doesn't believe in the
religious restriction, is there no meaning to the emotions of family members who
are still coming out of the shock caused by death? Is it not wrong to play with
other’s emotions to prove your ideology?
Why my brother took an immediate
stance to go ahead with the wedding as per the schedule? He was my father’s
favorite at home. He always had love and great respect for my father. Is breaking
rules more important than emotional link he had with a life which just passed
away? Will he be able to be part of the joyous moment of his life with a grief
of death inside, which is not time healed? Is he actually in the zeal of
fighting against what he thinks are blind beliefs or he is just being selfish
and using the mask of revolution? Is he going blind about the people he is
going to hurt by his decisions and actions? Or he doesn't have enough courage
to go against his to be father in law? Wind is blowing with same intensity
producing same echo inside my ears from long time… I turn my head to the side
to get out of monotonous echo of wind for a while… Still there is echo but with
different sound effect…
‘You should not be bothering
about what society thinks, just do what you think is right’ But, is it that
simple? Good or bad we are part of a society and society helps us during tough
times and is part of our celebrations. Society never accepts a sudden change in
conventional beliefs. It always expects the changes to be gradual. It can
ignore breaking a weak belief having different perspectives. It can never
accept going against fundamental beliefs like religious restrictions during
death. Which is not as simple as accepting an inter caste marriage. But, some
time back inter caste marriage was also a strong rule and breaking that rule
was not accepted. Who made that rule weak? When did it become an easily
breakable rule in this society? Being a social animal man cannot just follow
what he thinks is right; he just has got the freedom to think and not to
practice. If at all he wants to bring change, it takes time!
In the eagerness of bringing
change why do we want to change everything and start thinking everything based
on the religion is wrong? If at all this wedding happens, it will break apart
my joint family. Is it really important to prove ideology by breaking the
relations? Did anybody ask for Bride’s opinion on this? Does she want to start
beautiful moment of her life under the shade of death? Why everybody is behind
proving themselves and forcing others to follow them? Is enforcing your views
on somebody else is not wrong? Sun is out of the horizon now… wind is still
blowing with same speed… hardly any colors are visible… darkness slowly taking
hold of the situation…
In this entire episode, what is my
stance? Was I jealous somewhere deep within about my brother for finding his
love by himself? Is complex of lagging behind making me think against his
decisions? Even I always talk about changes and reforming society’s blind
folded thoughts… Now I am not able to answer whether religious restrictions after
death are blind beliefs or not. Is it because it involves me very closely? I
don’t believe in the rituals performed after the death. But, I believe in
silent distress caused by death of loved ones and allowing time to heal it. Can
I be part of joyous celebration during this time? Is it rationally or
emotionally possible for me? Is there any chance of being neutral to this
situation? Answer is clear ‘NO’. Why the drift created by my brother’s wedding
is stronger than the drift created by my father’s loss? Why am I so confused?
Wind is still blowing with the
same speed… slowly stars are appearing on the clear sky… I look around for
moon… I don’t even know what day of moon it is… I get up from where I was
sitting… jump down from the rock on to the sand bed… start walking back leaving
sea behind… I hold my slippers in hand and enjoy the texture of the sand… I
remember my childhood days walking on this beach holding my father’s hand and
playing with my brother on the same beach constructing sand houses... A smile
with no meaning appears on my face…!
Cheers!
Kiran
