Disclaimer :) – I am trying to write state of mind and blog need not be in organized/structured format. I have used ‘I’ too many times… I believe that represents me and many like me!
I crave for what I left behind. I brought up in refuge of nature. It offered me spectacular views. I had green everywhere. I had clean and blue river which flows in my heart. I had beaches just behind my home, where I sat alone in front of boundary less ocean… being part beautiful sunset every other day. There was ‘peace’ everywhere. I never realized the importance of what I had. I never made an extra attempt to enjoy/understand the privilege I had. It was all very natural for me and taken for granted. Now I regret… How lucky I was!
Like every small town boy I dreamt of being in City. When the time came and I moved to city, I was watching the glamour carried by the City with my wide opened eyes and jaws! It looked like a dream land and I was pinching myself to make sure I am really part of it or not. I was encroached by the man-made rush… The speed of the city amazed me… It was thrilling. I thought I am too slow for City speed and was afraid of being left behind. I started working hard to cope up. Unknowingly I became part of the rat race to become so called ‘successful’.
‘City’ runs everything as business. It makes you ‘smart’… more appropriate word is ‘opportunist’. If you are not fast enough, it labels you as ‘looser’; hence it pushes you to be faster. Its ‘value’ system is very weak, measures almost everything in money. It manufactures machines out of human beings. Relationships are mechanical and don’t have the moist they should carry.
I am scarred… I am already part of the mad rush. Small town boy has lost all the innocence he had. I can’t sit in beach for hours, I get bored easily. I can’t sit alone doing nothing... thinking of a poem. I always enjoyed writing. My happiest day is the day I write an average poem/article than I resolve a complicated technical issue. I always say – I write for myself… It is personal and where I am honest to myself. My command over my mother tongue is many times my command over English… then why did I start writing in English? Am I started writing what people want to read? Did poet in me has almost died? Probably I have become greedy too?
I don’t blame anybody, not even ‘City’ for what I chose and what I became. City also gave me an opportunity to understand the rest of the world, out of my home town. It expanded my horizon of thought process. It made me to be more open in my thinking. It provided an immense opportunity to mingle with different people from different background and culture. City gave me a wide range of experience to my life. More than anything else, it supplies my daily food!
‘Should I wake up before I reach more miserable state?’ or ‘Am I thinking too much?’ :). I feel I don’t belong to where I am. Even though I live in center of technology, it never excites me. I want to go back to the green I left… I want to go back to the blue river I left… I want to go back to the sea I left… I want to go back to the fresh air I left. But, how strong my thoughts are? How easy it is to go back and start again? Am I looking like a foolish cynical?
I stand alone… lost… with blank eyes… confused !!!
Cheers!
Kiran
