Disclaimer :) – I am trying to write state of mind and blog need not be in organized/structured format. I have used ‘I’ too many times… I believe that represents me and many like me!
I crave for what I left behind. I brought up in refuge of nature. It offered me spectacular views. I had green everywhere. I had clean and blue river which flows in my heart. I had beaches just behind my home, where I sat alone in front of boundary less ocean… being part beautiful sunset every other day. There was ‘peace’ everywhere. I never realized the importance of what I had. I never made an extra attempt to enjoy/understand the privilege I had. It was all very natural for me and taken for granted. Now I regret… How lucky I was!
Like every small town boy I dreamt of being in City. When the time came and I moved to city, I was watching the glamour carried by the City with my wide opened eyes and jaws! It looked like a dream land and I was pinching myself to make sure I am really part of it or not. I was encroached by the man-made rush… The speed of the city amazed me… It was thrilling. I thought I am too slow for City speed and was afraid of being left behind. I started working hard to cope up. Unknowingly I became part of the rat race to become so called ‘successful’.
‘City’ runs everything as business. It makes you ‘smart’… more appropriate word is ‘opportunist’. If you are not fast enough, it labels you as ‘looser’; hence it pushes you to be faster. Its ‘value’ system is very weak, measures almost everything in money. It manufactures machines out of human beings. Relationships are mechanical and don’t have the moist they should carry.
I am scarred… I am already part of the mad rush. Small town boy has lost all the innocence he had. I can’t sit in beach for hours, I get bored easily. I can’t sit alone doing nothing... thinking of a poem. I always enjoyed writing. My happiest day is the day I write an average poem/article than I resolve a complicated technical issue. I always say – I write for myself… It is personal and where I am honest to myself. My command over my mother tongue is many times my command over English… then why did I start writing in English? Am I started writing what people want to read? Did poet in me has almost died? Probably I have become greedy too?
I don’t blame anybody, not even ‘City’ for what I chose and what I became. City also gave me an opportunity to understand the rest of the world, out of my home town. It expanded my horizon of thought process. It made me to be more open in my thinking. It provided an immense opportunity to mingle with different people from different background and culture. City gave me a wide range of experience to my life. More than anything else, it supplies my daily food!
‘Should I wake up before I reach more miserable state?’ or ‘Am I thinking too much?’ :). I feel I don’t belong to where I am. Even though I live in center of technology, it never excites me. I want to go back to the green I left… I want to go back to the blue river I left… I want to go back to the sea I left… I want to go back to the fresh air I left. But, how strong my thoughts are? How easy it is to go back and start again? Am I looking like a foolish cynical?
I stand alone… lost… with blank eyes… confused !!!
Cheers!
Kiran
Nice and thought provoking.
ReplyDeleteOften we should stop by and re-asses our priorities...Sometimes I believe and fear that I am devaluing some of the most precious things in my life and running behind goals in hope of achieving something which will eventually; eventually wont be able to give me the same happiness or inner piece; compared to the very things i left behind or sacrificed, gave me.
I can totally relate to yo emotions.
Thanks Harsha For your Comments...
DeleteThanks a lot for this blog Kiran. Well I many times get into to the same thoughts that you have. You have left back the greens and blues but I have left the people and the house that I have grown up till I am 24. I came with the dream of career building but not knowing about the people here. I always compare the hospitality of people here to my home town and that is what which makes me feel I should go back. I have built my network here and lots of dependecies which is little tough to manage if I have to go back. But it's been quite long since I have left the place and now not so much in touch with my old pals and also most of them have moved to different place. Top of all these things I wonder if the people there have changed with the time like I have, being in this city. If I go back will I get the same/similar set of people who cared so much without selfishness? Many more questions run in my mind. I am lost too... It's hard to decided what I want now. Hope we find the answers and take the right steps ahead :).
ReplyDeleteKrishna, you are right in saying because of dependencies we built it is difficult to implement what we think ... Also the point you highlighted on 'The world we left would have changed with time' is very valid... Just a thought of going back is no harm ... Thanks for your comments :)
DeleteKiran,
ReplyDeleteI have somewhat similar if not identical upbringing of yours. I too grew up in a place surrounded by greenery and the endless outdoor hours that we spent as kids. In some ways I long to give that experience to my kids.
However, I believe there is opportunity to re-live some of it even today - I mean in the cities. I, for one, enjoy planting trees, de-weeding the tank bund, planting saplings and in general helping out the volunteers at Puttenahalli lake - a small one that we are trying to save outside Brigade Millennium. This helps me connect with nature and I try to take my son along on weekends.
My point is this - try to create some of the good environs that you enjoyed as a child. Cities are needed and this so called rat race will continue - may be you will even enjoy some of the highs that you get here - a useful software application you built for e.g.
Dont sound so morose - pristine beaches can co-exist with your city life :) Feel good that you discovered both worlds and can be happy in both.
Keep writing!
You are absolutely right in saying ... I do enjoy the highs I get in City ... Sense of achievement I get here because of the dynamics of the city is probably very high compared to my stagnant home town ... As you said I always feel fortunate to see and experience so many changes in such a short period of life and enjoyed every bit of it... craving for what we don't have is what allows us to retrospect ourselves and standing away from the daily race for a moment makes us creative ... My state of mind is not as bad as the Blog is :) It was just a week end thought... !
DeleteThanks a lot for your invaluable comments as always !
Kiran,
ReplyDeleteThis is a very well written thought provoking article. Although, calling it an article may not be apt in this context. It is more like writing your mind out.
I believe this is applicable to most of us and not just "a small town boy". We always go around looking for something else leaving back the things we had; only to realize later that things you had before were what you would really want.
I believe in this "Home is where your heart is".
And, share your kannada poems as well :) would like to read them.
-Karthik Rao
Thanks for your Comments Karthik !
DeleteWell said "Home is where your heart is" - specially when you haven't visited home from more than a year :)
You are not alone. We are all individual lonely islands.
ReplyDeleteThe key is to keep searching....When one gets pulled in two directions, over time, one direction will out pull the other, and one will eventually move towards the stronger pull....