To The Land Where I Belong To…

Every time I plan my trip back to India, I feel the joy filling within many days before my trip. Feeling of going back to the roots I belong to and to the people I belong to is something very emotional. I start counting days and then hours to start my journey. When flight takes off, I start thinking about list of places I need to visit, list of people I need to visit, list of dishes I need taste; these lists are never ending…

My job and my own choice brought me to this unknown country. I was excited to live in a country which is completely different from where I belong to. London city grew inside me and I got used to it. I was amused by the city because of its facilities… its design and discipline… Amazing public transport network… Quality of everything it offers… Professionalism in every profession… Equality and respect towards every profession... There are many more things why you like this city.

As time passed, I started feeling - This city is lot more mechanical than the city I love back in India. Sometimes I feel system which is organized too much is very monotonous. I feel there is no life to the city. I started realizing what I miss from the land I belong to. I grew up in that country being part of it. I feel that land and people belong to me. I never felt same in this land of somebody else’s. Probably I am stubborn to change fundamentally to accustom to a new culture… Probably I am not open enough to accept something which is not part of my fundamentalism.

Moving from one place to other and settling down in an unknown land is very common for our generation. We are not emotionally attached to anything around. We can live in our own mental islands without knowing people around. We are no more interested in where the shopkeeper of vegetable shop live… how many kids he has and where they study. Is it necessary or important to know those information? Probably not! But, it basically shows that we are no more connected to the people around. For me, all silly conversations I have with tea shop guy to tender coconut seller gives different perspective about life. I enjoy those conversions. I have a very good comfort level with my own people while conversing anything I want.

The cultural difference between my homeland and this new country holds me back from casual conversations here. Culture of my homeland is in my blood. I don’t have to think about what I talk with a stranger in my home town. What I can talk and what not is something very naturally inbuilt within me when I am there. I need not think and implement the protocols followed there. In this new land of absolutely opposite culture, none of us are naturally comfortable. We all adopt it whether we like it or not… We at times act, as if we like it… We start cribbing about the things we grew up with… And we settle down in an unknown land by choice without any roots!

The generation I belong to is emotionally superficial and self-centric. We are cynical about patriotism. We are lot different from previous generations because we never wanted to follow them. We always thought they are unsuccessful and we never really loved our roots. In the race of being successful most of us left our roots and don’t remember smell of the soil where we played. It was all necessary to get out of the conservative boundaries, see the world and kiss the sky. But, enormous opportunities life offered to us, never told us to cut ourselves from our roots or stopped us from returning to our roots.

Wherever you are standing right now on this planet, you actually belong to a particular place. When you read Khaled Hosseini, his passion and love towards Kabul is compelling… He lives it when he writes about Kabul; even though he moved out of Kabul when he was 11 year old and never returned until he was 38. He said in one of his interviews about awkwardness of feeling like a tourist in his own country and the ‘survivor’s guilt’ he experiences. One advantage of being away from the place you love is that it grows stronger within you! You start loving the land you belong to like never before. You understand it better and realize the importance of it in your life. It made me realize how beautiful my place is and how good and loveable my people are. You might end up in some xyz country in search of better place to live; but, even the imperfections of the land you actually belong to are closer to your heart.

When I visit home for 15 days holiday once in a year. I feel disconnected with the people I loved. I feel disconnected with places I loved. I don’t like to be treated as an alien in my own place. The connect we loose with the people we love is worrying.

For most of us only motivation for being abroad is the money earned because of the currency exchange rate and earning rate. There is no limit to the ‘need’ of money. We don’t know when to say ‘enough’. How much ever we deceive ourselves, we are all greedy irrespective of where we are.

How much ever cosmopolitan city be, few instances you experience here makes you realize you don’t belong to this place. I don’t want to be second class citizen in any place I settle down. When I have a feeling ‘I learnt enough from the experience’, it is time to pack up.

NRI is not the status everybody enjoys. Many of us want to go back but hanging in some country where we don’t belong to because of some reason. It is a very strange status of not belonging to anywhere! I enjoyed being in this new country. This journey gave me enormous experience and confidence. But, I can settle down only in the land where I belong to!

Cheers!

Kiran

Bachelor Signing Off…

We were done with one of our engineering internals. We came out for dinner. We had dinner and somebody got a brilliant idea of having coffee at Maddur, which is 80 kilo meters away from where we were. Our bikes immediately obeyed the orders and started zipping towards Maddur. From Scooty to Bajaj Pulsar we had all kinds of bikes in all kinds of conditions. We reached Maddur around midnight, had coffee… another crazy idea came to two heads - if we have come all the way till here, why not Mysore? Three bikes were crazy enough to accept the idea and later realized two crazy heads who gave the idea had their girlfriends in Mysore! For the total one way journey of 150 kilo meters; forget about the helmet, we did not even have jackets on us. We originally came out of hostel for dinner! When two of them were busy with girlfriend business, others ate stomach full of Idli and slept in a park. We were riding for 300 kilo meters without jacket in chilling cold conditions of January for no reason!

That was the period of life we were crazy. With whatever little money we had we were livings lives of Kings. Every moment of life had fun and adventure in it. We were content in life with scarcity of everything. There was no fear of future. We just lived the moment we were in. Slept on highway Dabha benches… Plain bun and half tea tasted heaven. There was no touch of luxury to our lives and we never craved for it. We were proudly living the typical bachelor life!

When salary started crediting in my account, I was enjoying different life of bachelor. I had all the money and time I wanted. Coding all night at office… state of nobody will bother about me and I don’t have to bother about anybody at home… Surrounded by friends who were all mostly bachelors, we were still college kids at heart. I enjoyed peaceful Sunday morning jogs… I enjoyed spending entire day with a book… I enjoyed meditation and spiritual part of my life as well... I enjoyed travelling all over the places my job offered me with no commitments back home... I enjoyed my own world to its fullest.

I had my own share of natural magnetic attractions like any other good boy! I felt butterfly in stomach when I saw those girls. Twice or thrice things were almost following the right route of falling in love but deliberately taken off from the track by one of us. I was lazy enough or to be honest not brave enough to handle the complexities involved after being committed. Those are sweet slips which bring smile if I recall them now. I still enjoy the tenderness of those innocent moments!

Even though how much ever happy you are being single and how much ever freedom you enjoy being single; you always miss the completeness in life. Even wait for the person who brings life/love to you is an interesting phase. Someday I will write about the day dreams about dream girl(s). The moment the wait ends and you actually get into it; it is actually much more beautiful that what you have imagined. Did I started defending or consoling myself before getting into what I am getting into?!!!

Am I sad saying good bye to Bachelorhood? Actually I am not! I lived enough of it and things must change. I was never a reckless bachelor and getting married is “hopefully” not applying break to the way I live. Am I scared getting into commitment of married life? Confused! Too much of clarity is not good for life and I have decided to enjoy this confused state as well! Even though we all make cynical comments about getting married… The happiness brought by ‘sense of togetherness’ is unique and I am completely immersed in that wonderful moment now!

I am in a state to ignore every suggestion given by people with experience…. I am ready to discard every warning given by well-wishers… I see happiness everywhere… There is love everywhere… I am doomed… I am not in my sense and there is no point writing anything more. I can’t write anything meaningful in the mesmerizing state I am in! Better I stop and Invite you and your loved ones to my wedding!

Cheers!

Kiran

Journey of Changes and Dreams I Chased…

My first street fight I remember is when I was in second standard. I fought with three or four of my seniors. I was returning back from school on a heavy rain day of June or July; I picked up a fight and was beaten up very badly. All my new books and slate were drawn away by the red water flooding in drainage. I was beaten up at home again for what I did!

I was a brat. Managing me was a big head-ache for my parents. I jumped into a water-well with the intention of suicide while running away from my father’s beating. I tried running away from home when I was in sixth standard. I wrote a long letter to my parents stating why I am leaving home. Good that they read the letter early and picked me up from the school itself. I stole money from home to buy cricket kit and ice creams. I had special skills in cooking up lies and stories. I had a gang in seventh standard and we would pick up fight just for the enjoyment of beating up some one. I was least bothered about my studies; it was just the fear of my parents pushed me to study and get good grades.

Today if I think about what I was during my school days, it pricks me. I had anger on the world… I had hatred towards people. I just don’t remember what made me like that. I had loving parents… all the teachers loved me… probably my company was wrong or I spoilt the company. Not that I just have bitter childhood… I have loads of my own innocent and beautiful memories which always bring smile on my face… Just that, I remember bitter ones more prominently! You never know what makes an innocent kid into a brat… You never know how anger and hatred fills up within a tender heart!

My parents transferred me to a different school during my eighth standard, just to cut me off from my company! I got into athletics, science exhibitions, debates etc. I started travelling out of my town for these competitions. I went for NCC camps. I met new people. Few of them left very positive influence on me. Even though I was not doing very well with my academics; those competitions brought confidence within me. Those are the days which made me what I am… I cherish those days which brought positive change. I slowly got away from the ‘brat’ label. I think I started reading some random story books as well during those days. A positive vibe made me a better kid than before! That is the age people influence a kid to the most… And I had right people around.

When I got into pre-university, it was all about academics. I had examples set by my seniors. It was very difficult to cope up with medium switch. As a normal teenage boy I had difficult task of tackling teenage complexes. Still full focus was there on academics. I invested all my efforts… When final exams came, I was not able to handle the pressure. I was not able to write two of my papers and lost a year. I failed in the twelfth exam which decides the fate of a student in our education system. Building pressure on yourself by comparing yourself to somebody else and trying to outperform somebody else is the worst thing you can do to yourself… I learnt it hard way!

There was a year of trauma. I did not know what to do. I still managed to read and wrote remaining two papers. My aggregate was very good. But, I wanted to join engineering in army! I gave up my preparations for general entrance exams and started preparing for army entrance. Finally I gave up on army entrance as well! Luckily, I at least wrote general entrance exams without preparation, which later fetched me an engineering seat. Probably the lack of guidance and sense of losing the battle left me in such a terrible state. It was strange, I was left in deep grief along with 97% aggregate in hand! If you don’t recover from a defeat, you will be pushed deeper into more defeats!

By then, like any other small town boy I desperately wanted to get out of the town. I landed in MSRIT engineering college in Bangalore. I had different challenges to address. I was a raw small town boy in between sophisticated city students. My confidence was crushed to death. I was not capable of constructing two sentences in English for a conversation. I was blank in my first engineering lecture… I was not able to understand what is going on. For a year, I was immersed in engineering books. I got good grades as well. But, I slowly realized these grades are not just enough to survive in the city. For a period I went into a very bad depression as well. I got few amazing friends. They showed me what the city is… They showed me how to dream and how to chase them. When I cracked the group discussion and interview of my first job, I felt the sense of fulfilment. My confidence was back in! That is the age, you should have right friends who will guide you to the success… 

By the time I finished my engineering I was addicted to reading. Reading always makes me think and my thoughts are influenced by my reading. Books open up a new world for me and always gave me a different but positive perspective on life. I became a vegetarian by choice from a kid who would torture the kitten before killing it... major credit goes to what I read.

I started working… Met new people … Worked with amazing people… Last six years of my working life is just filled with good moments and successes. I was blessed to always have nicer people around. I never had chance to crib about anything. I enjoy my days filled with running, fitness, books, music and people. Sometimes, I am worried about my feeling of ‘having everything in life or being fortunate in life’ so early in life… getting used to too much of happiness and peace for very long time is not good and I have decided to get married :)

Perspectives change… Attitude changes… Challenges change… Every change during my journey always taught me a lesson. I chased my every dream with full of joy within. Sitting jobless on a bright Sunday morning, I enjoy recalling the journey of changes and dreams I chased…

Cheers!
Kiran

A Story...Questions Asked by Evening Waves...

Refuge of this beach is where I always run to whenever I want to think! Sitting on this outgrown rock which has encroached ocean’s territory elevates my thoughts from daily hassles. Between the protest of wild waves hitting the encroached rock and sound of continuously blowing heavy wind, I always find the peace and silence to think!

My brother is very close friend of mine from my childhood. We studied, played and fought together till our high school. I was chasing my dreams and landed up in city and my brother stayed back and has his own shop which is doing well. His father was victim of a kind of fever which took many lives many years back. My father was the one who looked after the entire joint family with his faith in soil and his ingenuous view about life.

Literature was something connected me and my brother and made us come out of orthodox and reserved mentality of the village. We were more open to the changes and always felt good about our thoughts which we thought are way above the society we are part of. Our Kannada teacher in high school was the one who showed us the taste of literature and made us think about bringing change. A year back my brother told me that he is in love with a girl and I was surprised when that girl turned out to be our Kannada teacher’s daughter!

My respect towards our teacher increased when he agreed immediately to his daughter’s choice, ignoring the caste and class differences. He was practicing what he was preaching. He was not laying new rules when it came to his own daughter. Convincing my father who was the head of the family was not very difficult. There were very few hurdles to cross for my brother to convert Love into Marriage.

Ten days were left for the wedding. Entire family was in joyful mood preparing for the wedding day. My father’s death in a road accident smashed us like a thunder storm. I was shocked by the situation I was in. I was not strong enough to withstand the sudden loss… I had no courage to look at my mother’s and younger sister’s face… consoling my mother and sister was my duty, but was just impossible for me to fulfill it. I was not able to digest the fact that, the life I spoke that day morning was no more by afternoon… How permanent this life is? How to have faith in tomorrow? Man’s greediness… Man’s concern about future … Man’s nature of pledging today for the sake of tomorrow... does all these have any meaning? No other thing which haunts Man as badly as death. It is a strange end with no future. I can’t think any more about the death… Sun has finished his daily duty and going to lighten up another world… saying good bye with vibrant colors everywhere…

Three-four days after the incident, slowly things were settling down. My brother took the entire responsibility of the family and helped family members to come out of the trauma. He arranged for all the rituals to be carried out after death. I was blank when my brother announced, wedding will be held as per the plan. It was hot summer evening… Entire surrounding was stand still without even a small breeze... All of us were sitting in sit out to beat the sweaty suffocation inside the home. He was explaining to everybody about what bride’s father said and how he agrees with his to be father in law. All that I understood was… Bride’s father told my brother… He doesn't believe in the rituals performed after the death… There is no meaning in religious restriction we follow for twelve days… He doesn't agree to the prohibition of any functions like wedding during this restrictive period… Wedding will happen as per the schedule… He is against the blind faiths followed after the death.

Next day my mother called me to her room and told, herself and my sister will not be part of this wedding if at all it happens as per the schedule. My aunt was scared to face the people’s reaction for such a step but never had guts to oppose his own son or she was biased by mother’s love towards her son. My grandmother was in her deep sorrow of having no son left for her. She told “My time of attending any wedding is over, I am waiting for death to embrace me before anybody else”. My brother was completely convinced by the idea of going against the natural sequence of the society. I was the only person who was confused.

I always had confused thoughts. I never have a strong stance to go against the stream. I am not complete atheist. I always believed there is a power which is greater than human. We can call it as ‘God’, ‘Nature’ or with whatever name we want. If man says he can explain everything scientifically, logically and intellectually; it is just his ego. There is always something eternal and not available for normal man’s reach. I don’t believe in rituals and I am against the money making business in the name of God. I don’t visit temples with my own will. I stumble to answer if somebody asks me ‘should all temples be closed?’ These temples are not just part of the religion, they are also part of the people’s life. I hate the class and caste based system we have… But love the tradition we carry… My thoughts are running all over the places… Waves are hitting the rock I am sitting on with different intensity, creating different complex patterns once they subside…

Is this demand from our teacher is a tactic to show case the village that how strong his revolutionary thoughts are or genuinely he thinks religious restrictions we follow are blind faiths? Doesn't death mean anything to the rest of the family? Is death of a close family member just one other event? The restriction we have in the name of religious ritual doesn't have an intention to give time to family members to come out of the grief caused by death? Would he react in the same manner if death would have occurred in his own family? Even if he doesn't believe in the religious restriction, is there no meaning to the emotions of family members who are still coming out of the shock caused by death? Is it not wrong to play with other’s emotions to prove your ideology?

Why my brother took an immediate stance to go ahead with the wedding as per the schedule? He was my father’s favorite at home. He always had love and great respect for my father. Is breaking rules more important than emotional link he had with a life which just passed away? Will he be able to be part of the joyous moment of his life with a grief of death inside, which is not time healed? Is he actually in the zeal of fighting against what he thinks are blind beliefs or he is just being selfish and using the mask of revolution? Is he going blind about the people he is going to hurt by his decisions and actions? Or he doesn't have enough courage to go against his to be father in law? Wind is blowing with same intensity producing same echo inside my ears from long time… I turn my head to the side to get out of monotonous echo of wind for a while… Still there is echo but with different sound effect…

‘You should not be bothering about what society thinks, just do what you think is right’ But, is it that simple? Good or bad we are part of a society and society helps us during tough times and is part of our celebrations. Society never accepts a sudden change in conventional beliefs. It always expects the changes to be gradual. It can ignore breaking a weak belief having different perspectives. It can never accept going against fundamental beliefs like religious restrictions during death. Which is not as simple as accepting an inter caste marriage. But, some time back inter caste marriage was also a strong rule and breaking that rule was not accepted. Who made that rule weak? When did it become an easily breakable rule in this society? Being a social animal man cannot just follow what he thinks is right; he just has got the freedom to think and not to practice. If at all he wants to bring change, it takes time!

In the eagerness of bringing change why do we want to change everything and start thinking everything based on the religion is wrong? If at all this wedding happens, it will break apart my joint family. Is it really important to prove ideology by breaking the relations? Did anybody ask for Bride’s opinion on this? Does she want to start beautiful moment of her life under the shade of death? Why everybody is behind proving themselves and forcing others to follow them? Is enforcing your views on somebody else is not wrong? Sun is out of the horizon now… wind is still blowing with same speed… hardly any colors are visible… darkness slowly taking hold of the situation…

In this entire episode, what is my stance? Was I jealous somewhere deep within about my brother for finding his love by himself? Is complex of lagging behind making me think against his decisions? Even I always talk about changes and reforming society’s blind folded thoughts… Now I am not able to answer whether religious restrictions after death are blind beliefs or not. Is it because it involves me very closely? I don’t believe in the rituals performed after the death. But, I believe in silent distress caused by death of loved ones and allowing time to heal it. Can I be part of joyous celebration during this time? Is it rationally or emotionally possible for me? Is there any chance of being neutral to this situation? Answer is clear ‘NO’. Why the drift created by my brother’s wedding is stronger than the drift created by my father’s loss? Why am I so confused?

Wind is still blowing with the same speed… slowly stars are appearing on the clear sky… I look around for moon… I don’t even know what day of moon it is… I get up from where I was sitting… jump down from the rock on to the sand bed… start walking back leaving sea behind… I hold my slippers in hand and enjoy the texture of the sand… I remember my childhood days walking on this beach holding my father’s hand and playing with my brother on the same beach constructing sand houses... A smile with no meaning appears on my face…!

Cheers!

Kiran